What is unhealed Trauma
Unhealed Trauma is a distressing event or experience that has caused an overwhelm amount of energy to be stuck and stored within the individual’s body and nervous system.
Some people after a distressing or overwhelming experience think they can just avoid how they feel internally by turning to coping mechanisms to numb what they are feeling inside, feel they have no trauma (almost everyone does) and live life ‘‘moving past’’ what they went through, or think what they experienced as children or as adults is nothing and don’t understand how their past events are causing them to suffer and remain stuck in their present life .
A coping mechanism is anything used to numb and escape your internal experience and emotions to temporarily feel better, such as: mindlessly scrolling through social media, over-working, binge eating, shopping as a way to feel better, staying productive at all times, addictions, etc.
Many of us were never shown how to identify, be with, or process our emotions as children after a stressful situation, so we can come back into safety and regulation. Therefore, how can you know as an adult how to do so? It is only normal for your system to adapt and find ways (coping mechanisms) to help you manage the overwhelming emotions you feel inside. I see it as your body’s beautiful way of adapting and protecting you.
Many of us were not taught by our caregivers or never learned, because:
Our caregivers did not know how to regulate and process emotions.
We were conditioned by society to act tough, fine, or not show any emotions (men in particular) as it was a sign of weakness, even though deep down we wanted someone to comfort or make space for us.
We did not have safe people around to be seen, heard, or validated.
We saw what our parents did and followed, which is common to do as a young child. Children observe their surrounding and grow up to pick things up from those around them and carry that into adulthood.
You grew up in a home where people didn’t really talk about emotions and when a fight happens or something hurtful is said, no one takes accountability or everyone just brushes it off like nothing happened.
Example: If you had a childhood were you saw your caregivers fighting/arguing a lot and then the next moment, everything was fine and the cycle kept repeating, you would be confused, but eventually your mind and body would find a way to adapt and you might become an adult who avoids to talk about their emotions, shuts down when overwhelmed, or become anxious and have racing thoughts - especially within a relationship setting.
What happens when we ignore a traumatic event and/or our emotions?
When a traumatic event happens, ignoring it does not make it just go away. You may go your entire life not even remembering that moment, but the overwhelming emotions that were present then is still present now, in your subconscious mind and in your body. That is what is known as unhealed trauma. Trauma that was never addressed to allow you to process and heal from it, but rather pushed away somewhere in the back of our mind, but not realizing it is causing our nervous system to be dysregulated and always on the lookout for danger. This is what is keeping most people stuck from going after the things they truly desire in life such as :
Healthy relationships
Following their passion
Career progression
Being present and joyful
Being seen, heard, accepted, loved for simply being you
Loving yourself and receiving healthy love and so much more!!
The reason is because your body wants to keep you safe. Because these things are unfamiliar, they are labeled as a potential threat unless you show your body it is safe to have these things. Your body stores every traumatic event in it’s data-base, and if it thinks that what you want carries any potential harm to you, your system will physically not allow you to receive it, in the form of dysregulation, limiting beliefs, and/or self-sabatoge.
For Example: You want a healthy relationship, but all you’ve known growing up is what an unhealthy one looks like. Your system will only know how to navigate around chaos, because it is familiar. Even if you find a healthy partner, you will notice resistance, as your body will not feel safe enough to allow you to be vulnerable or receive it, because ‘‘safety’’ is unfamiliar and therefore, could potentially harm you. Therefore, you might feel bored or uninterested when you meet a healthy potential partner, you may pick fights with them, you may feel anxious and on the lookout for danger, you may end up controlling your partner to ensure safety is within reach, or continue to attract unehalthy partners as they are familiar to your system and miss important red flags in the beginning.
What can I do to start healing?
In order to make space for things you desire, you must show your system not tell it, that it is safe, in small tolerable steps. You can do this by first creating safety within your body and coming out of survival mode, processing stored emotions, and learning how to heal your inner child by getting to root cause of your suffering. Read my blog post ‘‘How to heal from Trauma’’ to learn the steps I take my clients to recover from trauma and start living their life.
Healing is possible and it is your birthright to live a healthy and happy life. Of course life will bring it’s challenges, but it does not mean we are meant to suffer for the rest if our life. It is possible to hold both the challenging parts and the parts of life that bring about blessings and beauty, even if it’s in the smallest of things. That is why I chose the image of tree for this post, because just like nature - we all go through seasons and each season helps us grow and evolve in different ways.
If you’re ready to take the first step, check out my Repair and Reclaim Trauma Healing Bundle for a comprehensive guide to healing, or explore my 1:1 Coaching program for personalized support on your journey.
‘‘Healing takes courage, and we all have courage even if we have to dig a little to find it’’ - Tori Amos
